So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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