hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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