proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
