What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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