Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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