I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
