This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
