So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
