do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
