there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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