The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
