your parents love me but you hate me
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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