his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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