i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
