On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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