I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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