she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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