FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
