I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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