I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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