Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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