I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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