On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This is my gift to your gina
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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