I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
