I just cut my nipple shaving
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
