This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
