Kiss
Puke
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize