if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
