I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
