SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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