hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
