Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
