shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
