I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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