ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Someone shattered a urinal.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
