also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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