My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
