Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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