Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
