Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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