Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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