Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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