I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
