i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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