thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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