woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
