I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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