Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
