we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
