Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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