we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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