We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
