Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
