Acid is not a monday night drug
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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