OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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