So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
