so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize