A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
