so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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