I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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