Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
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