Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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