I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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