I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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