So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
