can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Enjoy the penises
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
