Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
