I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
