I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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