nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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