Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
