we're chasing vodka with high fives
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize